What Villanelle teaches us about Impulsiveness & Self-Destruction

If you know me well, you know my favourite TV show, actress, fashion-sense, & role model all appear in the highly-rated, award-winning Killing Eve. The energy Jodie Comer brings to her role as Villanelle is so inspiring and creative, she is amazing.

But, one thing that I found fascinating the more I watched the show (yes, I have binged this show well over 10 times) is how Villanelle's insecurity and anxiety manifest as impulsive and self-destructive behaviour. The more I watched, the more I became invested in her character's emotions and mental health. At first, you just get pulled into her craziness, but I then started to empathise, which I found quite revealing about my own struggles.

Anxiety, loneliness, fear of rejection and unfulfillment are all key components of Villanelle's story, and they are also very common emotions within us all. Hopefully your emotions aren't manifesting in murder and violence like Villanelle's character (let's pray!), but I'm sure we can all relate to the desperate and impulsive urges that arise in us when we experience these tricky emotions. The reality is, we see time and time again in Killing Eve how Villanelle deals with these emotions in a super unhealthy way, leading to mass self-destruction (and the mass destruction of many unfortunate victims too). I'm also sure that we can all relate to unhealthy behaviours, both because we are not sure yet how to deal with our feelings, and also because we simply do not think we deserve to feel good (self-destruction).

Impulsiveness manifests differently for us all. Addiction is a very common result of responding to our unhappiness or feelings of unworthiness with senseless distraction and drowning in some kind of escape, whether alcohol, drugs, spending, self-harm, etc. These manifestations are not our 'crazy' side coming to the forefront, they are very normal cries for help - signals our body and mind are sending us to tend to a neglected part of ourselves. I look back at all the ways I was extremely self-destructive, disrespecting my body, over-spending and not thinking of my future, and speaking to myself like some kind of crap you find under your shoe. I feel sad for that past me. I look at Villanelle's character now and feel the same. I feel such a deep empathy for anyone who feels so stuck, trapped and scared that they treat themselves with such disrespect. This is why I do the work I do - I know exactly how it feels, and I will never misjudge someone else's manifestation of unhappiness as 'crazy'.

With self-destruction and impulsiveness, it's often super helpful to do some inner-child work. When our feelings become too much for us to handle and we develop unhealthy patterns and habits, our young self (and yes the younger version of you always stays with you no matter your age) needs some attention and care. It works with any feeling or emotion actually. I will give you an example from my own story...

From the age of 18 until 25ish, I covered my body impulsively with tattoos. I now have at least 45 tattoos. They don't all carry positive messages for me, and remind of times of abuse and severe self-destruction. I had a period of time during my mid 20's where I struggled to look at my own body in the mirror or in the shower or anytime! I'd wake in the night with panic attacks - panicking that the tattoos will never come off and I felt trapped. What did I do to my body? How will I ever move forward from my past when I have constant reminders all over my skin?! I was in this anxious, desperate mental spiral for at least a year, maybe longer. It was really hard. It gave me thoughts of suicide and self-harm - again, desperate and impulsiveness took over. Today, I realise that my younger self needed to be given reassurance that all was going to be OK. She needed to know that she was worth so much more than what was on the surface, that these tattoos do not define her. People who know me have said that my tattoos are like stories of where I have been and how resilient I am and all that I've achieved. I like that - it requires acceptance of what has past and waiting excitedly for all that's to come.

Some of the ways that I do this radical self-love/inner-child work:

• Mirror work - gradually building into your routine looking at yourself in the mirror. You can do just face to face, or you can try your full, naked self. You can slowly do this for longer amounts of time. You can also start including affirmations or compliments to yourself that you truly believe and see (only positives). It is a really great practice that requires patience and gentleness, but will start to boost your confidence and groundedness in the now and in your body.

• Mini-me screensaver - why don't you try adding a photo of your younger self to your phone as a screensaver? Every time you go to pick up your phone, you are faced with the cute, helpless little you. You can take a moment to think back over the day and what mean things you said about yourself, and then ponder - would I say those things to this little me?

• Self-care rituals - yes, you hear it all the time, but running yourself a bath, making yourself a cup of tea, having healthy morning and night routines are all amazing ways to prove to yourself that you're worthy of care. If you can't convince yourself that you deserve it, run a bath with a fun bath bomb for your inner-child. Make a hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows for them too. Do it for them. It will slowly start seeping into your routine and radically transform the way you care for yourself.

• Replacement technique - I find this one a huge game-changer when I feel impulsive! Choose a healthy action or habit that you can do to replace the impulsive action so that it eventually becomes a learnt behaviour. Yes, it is tricky at first and you won't be successful every time, but you'll be surprised by how one successful replacement can change the game for your impulsiveness! E.g. When I am about to spend money on something I do not need, I now take pictures of the items and add them to an album on my phone. I can either look at them in a week and see if I still want the item (which I usually don't) or I can create a vision board, such as a style inspiration board, where I can collate the items in a healthy way until I can afford it or feel differently about it. It really does work!